To Hold Her When I'm Not Around
by islandgirl123
Summary: Alex and Lexie friendship. 'It's easier, when you know you're not alone' One-shot


"Alex" She says quietly sitting down on the bed beside him.

Alex is somehow disturbed of her presence, that hallway, those gurneys where exclusive for him, Meredith, George, Christina and Izzie only. He doesn't open his eyes. Somehow, it's better to pretend that she's not there.

She nudges his arm and he groans. He just wants her to leave him alone. He just wants to be left in silence and peace. Her presence is disrupting that sacred peace. "Alex"

"WHAT!?" He says angrily and opens his eyes, he sees the eager intern in front of him and just leans back, accidentally banging his head on the wall.

Lexie winces, that's surely not going to improve his bad mood. "Your head okay?"

"Unbelievable." He mutters under his breath. "Please just leave Lexie."

"No." She says firmly. She grabs his hand and before he can pull away, she squeezes. "It's hard. I know."

He pulls his hand away quickly, like fighting off a sting. "You know what's hard? Having to talk to a stupid ass intern. So leave. Shoo." He says flicking her off.

Lexie finds the nerve not to scream at him. "No one should be alone at this time Alex. I know that and you know that."

"Then go to McSteamy or Meredith, I'm sure they'd be happy to talk feelings with you. What, one is sleeping with you and the other feels responsible for your alcoholic daddy." He says harshly.

"Meredith doesn't…." She starts, feeling a little hurt.

"Maybe, maybe not." He shrugs. He knows it's mean but she's the only outlet at the moment, getting mad might be able to help him stop crying.

"You're saying this because you're mad. Meredith…" She mumbles to herself. Reassurance was the one thing she relied on George to give her right now, he wasn't here to make her feel better.

"Meredith makes her own decisions, she probably blames herself but she's not the kind of person that would force herself to make friends just because she feels guilty. She doesn't base her relationships on guilt, if she didn't like you, you would know it. She was, but she's not anymore." He says quietly, feeling guilty that he had offended her but all he wanted was to be alone and she wasn't giving him that. "Look, please. I'm fine. Will you just leave me alone?" He snaps.

Lexie smiles at his sort-of apology. "I like to think of us as friends. I was living in your house Alex. That qualifies me as you friend. Why just Meredith or Izzie or George?" She asks, Alex shakes his head at the naïve little intern. He knows she means no harm, but it's annoying. Why is it he the one she has to bug.

"Because they're my family. You've been here less than a year Grey. I don't invite people in my family based on relationships. So, you're her sister. But don't forget that she did hate you at one time." He says. He realizes he's never said that out loud, that the five of them were a family but it's true and for some reason it made him feel more calm and whole.

"I have no idea what Izzie sees in you!" She says throwing her hands up in the air. Insecurities start to rise, she's no longer one of the interns the moment they talked behind her back and now Alex Karev is saying that she was never one of them.

"Leave if you can't handle me." He says. He puts his head in the middle of his hands and starts rubbing his temples. The massive migraine he had when she arrived was starting to subdue.

"No. I'm your friend. Whether you like it or not." She says shaking her head. She has no idea to why she's still trying to convince herself that he's a good guy but she knows he can be. She's seen it before. The way he kisses his wife, that wasn't anything if not loving.

Alex sighs and looks at her. He prays for her to leave, but somehow along the way, he doubts he would have felt better alone.

"When my mom died, I was like you. I didn't want to see anyone. I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't leave my room because I was so scared that anything I saw would remind me of her. I was terrified that the feeling, the empty feeling in your gut that just makes you want to tear it right out, would come back because I really, really, really, didn't want to feel like that again Alex." She says quietly. Tears come up to her eyes. This was the first time that she had said it out loud. This is the first time she had accepted the fact that George and Izzie might die, but Alex had other ideas.

"She is not going to die Lexie." He growls. He knows it's a possibility and he would rather not face it right now. Believing that she would get out of it strong enough, alive was something no doctor could even picture. He knew her condition like the back of his hand, but he knew her even more deeply. He knows she's a fighter but he also knows the amount of pain she's in can make anyone give up and throw in the towel. "She can't." He says as his voice breaks.

"She probably won't but…"

"She won't." He says quietly. "She won't." He repeats. This is the first time she's seen him so broken, so tired and she really wants to get back to the old Alex.

"Alex…" She sighs. Life and death wasn't something they could control, they all knew that and they all faced it and most of the time they accepted it, it was the lives and deaths of the loved ones that made them want to close their eyes and curl up into a ball.

"When your mom died… what did… how did your dad break it to you?" Alex says, his voice wavering.

"First off, it wasn't my dad. He couldn't even come to the phone." She sighs. "It was my sister, the baby sister who used to be so sick and so fragile, she was the one who proved stronger than both of us Alex. So you can be my dad, you can drink away the pain and numb yourself. You can start calling the world a shithole and start blaming the doctors the treated her. Together with blaming that doctors that didn't even step foot into her surgery, like Mer." She says. "Or you can be me, the coward who wouldn't go out of her room for months. Who forgot all her studies and responsibilities that I wasn't accepted at the surgical program I wanted to go to the most. Or you can be Molly. The strong one, the one who kept everyone—or tried to keep everyone—else together, my mom's favorite; you can be her. She was the favorite Alex, the closest to her and yet she held strong. She cried sure, but she moved on eventually."

Lexie sighed and rubbed her forehead. "She told me that Mom was a fighter. She went down fighting and she died because it was her time. It was her time and I had to accept that because I wouldn't be able to live if I did." She sighs. "We move on. It hurts, but we need to."

"Shouldn't you be waiting for Bambi or something?" Just like that, his hard and mean exterior was back on. He couldn't tell her, but he was trying to understand her words even deeper. "Weren't you in love with him?"

"Why do you do this?! One minute you're actually an okay guy the next you're acting like a complete ass." Lexie says with deep frustration.

Alex shrugs, trying to ignore the impact of her words. It was the exact same words Izzie told him when they had started dating for the first time. He remembers her, her smile, her laugh. He now realizes just how much he misses her, even though she could be in the next floor up. "Deal with it."

"Alex, seriously why. Maybe if I knew, I wouldn't hate you as much as I do." She says angrily. Alex got on her nerves. She didn't like guys with big egos and mean tendencies.

"You don't hate me." Alex scoffs, forcing a smile. He's almost able to stray away from the issue but Lexie gets what he's doing.

"Okay, maybe I don't. You're my friend. Kind of. But please, talking about your feelings is a good thing, you should just…" She says before she's rudely interrupted by Alex. She hates when people do that. It's her time to speak, it's her time to speak, interruptions are a sign of immaturity. She thinks to herself.

"We don't like the same ice cream." He says bluntly.

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about." She laughs finally looking up at his face.

"Look, I'm a wrestler. You're probably the quiz bee nerd. I like drinking and sex. You like… frolicking in the woods with Bambi or whatever." He laughs inwardly and gives himself a high five. "It doesn't mean we like the same things Lexipedia."

"You're a jackass." She murmurs.

"You didn't say I had it wrong right?" Alex smirks and closes his eyes. That headache was coming back. He winces at it's impact and Lexie notices. "I'm fine" He mutters. He doesn't want her attention. He only wants Izzie's. He's dying to hear her voice again.

"She's going to be fine Alex." She sighs. "I just know it." Like she knows that he's thinking of her right now. She pushes back her hair and tries to smile.

"Yeah." He says silently. "Me too." He looks up at the ceiling. He's ready to push back the hard attitude until she says the words he really didn't want to hear.

"You're scared." It was more of a statement than a question, the way she said it. He just laughed bitterly though, not wanting to admit something that was more than true right then. Lexie sighed and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I'm scared too. I'm almost always scared."

"And that does me good, how?" Alex's voice is laced with sarcasm, this topic was the last thing he wanted to talk about.

"I just wanted you to know. You're not alone in this, I know you think you are, but you aren't." She rambles. It's a habit that's hers and her sister's. She was nervous and tired, but she couldn't give up. Not now.

"You know what Grey? I've been alone for more than half of my life. I've been taking care of myself for more than half of my life! So I'm sorry if I don't care about what you think. Honestly, I don't give a crap." He says angrily. The stress is getting to his head. Too quickly.

Lexie just absorbs the hurt and embarrassment; she'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Izzie was dying and she was being rushed into surgery. No man, especially someone as damaged as Alex should have to live through that. "George is in there. He's in another OR flatlining and I'm too scared to go up there Alex. I'm too scared to hear the news." She says soothingly. "But I can't leave, no matter how much I want to Alex. I can't because George is my _best_ friend." She looks at him and notices the tears in his eyes. "He's my _best_ friend. And I owe him a lot more than this, but for now. This is all I can handle. So please. Just tell me that I'm not the only one beating myself up because my _best_ friend might die."

Alex is silent for a moment. He'd never admit it but he was also worried about George, his pal, someone on his team. He runs his hands up and down his arm and sighs. He looks at her and notices the sad glimpse in her eye; he realizes that she is part of his team, that she is on his side. "I'm scared."

Lexie just leans back against the wall and closes her eyes for a second. She had her fair share of loses, she knew what it was like to go through that pain and she didn't want to wish it on anyone not ever. That was the kind of person she was. It didn't matter who, she understood and she fought the pain on most occasions, but now fighting just inflicted more wounds. "Thank you."


End file.
